Some of you may remember that I had a rather snotty letter from the gas company saying there were going to get a warrant to come round to gain entry to see my gas meter or take me to court, arrest me, ship me off to Guantarnemo Bay and hang me as a terrorist on the 28 day rule.

Of course I never got a chance to explain that if I'm not in the house when they call round I can't answer the door but in future I'll have a look at the weekly stars and see if Septic Peg can foresee a visit so I can leave the door wide open, just in case they come round.

I therefore had to arrange a visit and today was the day.

He was here 3 minutes if that, my gas meter is fine.

They are checking the handles . . mine works.

I am innocent once again ! Right back to planning that bank job.

*empties more dirt out of trousers into the playground*

I arrived at the hospital a few minutes late.

Receptionist: Hello, how can I help you

Me: I have an appointment at 9

Receptionist looks at letter and goes to find file and comes back

Receptionist: Whose your GP

Me: 11/05/73

*pause*

Receptionist: No, whose your GP, not your DOB

Me: Oh I seeeeeeeee

Seeing I can do, it's my hearing that is buggered !!

The irony of being in the ENT Department

Is it me . . or is there some really weird shit going on around this site at the moment ?

Or have I just woken up to it ?

In other news, my dizzyness has gone, it went the day before my trip to the hospital. However I went and have requested if I can have direct access to see someone if and when it returns. They have said they'll ask which is a result I think in itself, even if they say no, at least I''ll know.

Goes back to head banging . . probably not the best idea of the day !

It has come to my attention that you have blatantly ignored my previous requests which leaves me no option but to take my complaint further to the Courts Of Mother Nature.

I have told you time and time again that rolling around making thunderous sounds and playing with your strobe torch will not be tolerated between the hours of midnight and 6am.

Any other time I am happy to sit and listen but likewise I'm sure you don't appreciate it when I turn up the guitar amp to 11 and curse your ears with indefinable chords and untuned strings.

You have left me looking and feeling like the cat has dragged me in sideways, twice and although the 3 day stubble does look rather different.

Yours feeling slightly sleep deprived.

Molty

Today I sat at work and watched everyone running around in a blind panic. It was so noisy I could not concentrate until they had pretty much all gone home.

Colleagues doing the usual it's not my problem so it must be yours.

Colleagues with ridiculous requests that quite frankly I want to say "fuck off, you are having a fucking laugh" to which I actually reply "I'll ask for you and let you know".

One day I won't be quite so PC, I doubt anyone would notice.

However I do what I have to do, it gets done. I am in my own little world doing the things that I am asked to do.

Everynow and then though I stop . . I think and I smile.

Another colleague now tells me about her lovelife . . it's clear she loves the drama of it all . . he said, I said, then he said. I am telling her the same thing week in, week out but I think that just adds to the drama of it all for her. She'll work it out for herself one day.

I am asked what I think of it all. I give a honest answer.

"I think he is a complete and utter arse" . . and have made that quite clear to her on each occasion I'm asked, my other colleague agrees.

She however isn't listening but I've also told her to do what she wants to do and not what people tell her.

So I guess she is listening to that part, if that makes sense.

This is the reality of my day at work, it's just confusion, annoyance and the occasional story day in and day out but thankfully in all of that I do find time to slip into another world.

Thank god that world replies and reminds me that I'm not quite as insane and stupid as those around me.

One day I'm going to escape and they won't even see it coming !

*shakes dirt down his trouser leg in the kitchen*

At around 10.15am my PC died as did everything else in the house.

A power cut had occured. I checked the fuse box, all was fine and thought it'd be on again soon. I sat and waited.

I'll make a cuppa . . nope, can't boil the kettle
I'll have a bath . . nope, can't get the hot water
I'll watch the TV . . nope
Music . . nope
Anything . . nope, nope, nope

It was incredibly quiet and only the passing car disturbed the world.

I got fed up and rang the enery hotline. Little did I know how "hot" it would be !!

A automated ladies voice informed me that as I was ringing from a mobile could I put in my phone number to specify my area.

This was only the beginning of her automated flirting . .

I hit the # key

A smooth silky voice teased me with . .

"We are aware . . . of . . a power . . cut . . in . . your . . . area"

"This happened . . at . . 10 . . . A . . . . M"

I was now totally hanging on to every juicy word she was saying.

I screamed out "tell me when will it be back"

She continued . . "Engin . . eers are work . . king . . . as . . . we . . speak . . and normal . . service . . "

At this point I'm sure I heard her lick her lips, click her heels and I fell off my chair . .

" . . will be . . resumed . . by . . . 1 . . A . . Mmmmmmmmm"

I have been charged for that call . . but it was worth every damn penny !!