Weeks of sweat, blood, tears, empty bank balance, paint and dust should finally come to an end today.

Sometime late this evening everything should be in place.

Even mum and dad are coming round this afternoon, they sort of know but they don't really. Unless of course mum has twigged it all along perhaps that's why she's coming, to sort everything out for me.

Everything is gonna be alright, alright

Now this is a gig I'd wanna do !!

It was with a little bit of shock that I woke the other morning and found my world spinning round.

Poxy vertigo attack . . I've not had one for ages but it's back.

Turn to my right, look up . . Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo . . try not to fall over.

Anyhow, having coped with for as long as I did I yesterday started Operation Don't Move Your Head To The Right, a catchy title if there ever was one.

Sleeping now has a one way sign attached to it, turn over the wrong way and I'll really wish I hadn't.

In fact I really need to find someone to prop up one side of the bed, that would stop me turning that way. Perhaps one day !

As it is, I'm currently trying to take up the old carpet as it's being replaced tomorrow. This has been done but I'm left with a load of staples I need to pull up . . I seem to spend all my time on my knees in this house !!

In the meantime . . Uno, dos, tres, catorce

I often wonder how much mum knows what I'm up too as I've made in clear that I don't tell her anything that I think might worry her and following a chat with a friend earlier this week I'm starting to wonder if I've missed all the tell tale signs and have been telling her more than I realise.

It all centres around lovely sponge cake.

So I'm led to believe that whenever I hint to my mum about any friend who I've invited round for dinner or I'm meeting for lunch, quite innocently I should add, mum would often ask . . "would you like me to make you something, like a sponge?"

Sometimes I would say yes . . because that would be nice afterall. I mean it's cake, who would turn down cake !

In more recent times I've been saying no and I'm making them myself.

What I'm told and extremely baffled by is apparantely when I'm saying "yes I want sponge" mum knows that I'm being a very good boy and all is well.

It's when I'm saying no, or I'll make my own that I'm telling her something along the lines of . . I'm going to be or am wanting to have sex with her.

I am baffled by this but have been told with some authority and with supporting proof that this is the case ???

I know some of you are mums . . is this some secret code that after 35 years I've only just been told that relates to just mums ?!?!

I'm now wondering about what others things I've told my mum without knowing I've told her !!

I mean I turned down a butterfly bun the other day . . what does that mean ??

I almost had a court order.

Alledgely I've never let a gas man in to read my meter.

I never recall seeing one come round !!

However I have had to ring and make an appointment to ensure that I don't get charged £150 and do time for hiding my meter.

Thinking they'll want to come round asap I gave them some options for this week . . urgent my arse . . they are coming mid August.

I do know feel though that I've walked the tightrope of lawlessness and can add this to my one and only parking ticket which I got for parking outside my home about 2 years ago !

The fact that I was half on double yellows and half off is irrelevant !!

Let's go down to peg number 1 and see what's going on down there with our fishy reporter Marky Maggot . .

"He's just had a fish and well he's had a great hour or so in the last errr . . in the last errr . . in the last 60 minutes"

You just can't write this stuff !!

My world is changing . . in more ways than I dare write but this morning I've had the most almighty shock.

I had ordered a table from Argos.

I managed to get a slot for a Saturday morning delivery, somewhere between the hours of 7am and 12 noon.

I was up at 6.55am . . I was very tired but thought if I don't sods law will dictate that I'll miss them.

I was ready for the sit in till at least 11.45 because we all know full well that's when it would really arrive.

They arrived at 7.30am.

That never happens . . ever.

I ought to check it's the right one but that would mean creating more mess than I've already got.

Perhaps the gods have decided to grant me some good fortune . .

On the first day, thou table will be delivered !!

Quite frankly I can't wait for the day that Eve arrives . . what day is she due ???

The annual sibling tennis tournament took place this evening.

The drizzle stopped and covers were removed (from the rackets) and play began in the lower field near the chickens.

Last years annual event was cancelled due to rain and the threat was upon us as the warm up took place.

Warm up includes waving arms in the style of Windy Miller and bending down once and realising that your toes get further away each year.

Serve was decided by me . . I said "I'll serve".

One game all and an overhead smash from younger brother sailed out of the court into the trees and bushes behind me.

Play was suspended as he headed off to look for it . . I practiced bouncing the ball on the edge of the racket.

After five minutes I got fed up and went to help him. He had then found it. On coming out of the bushes he started hopping about like he'd been shot and we then realised he'd been stung.

A wasp was then subjected to some vicious forehands. The only time I'd actually made decent contact with anything.

Play resumed only to be stopped a minute later due to unforeseen throbbing of the ankle.

He admitted he'd never been stung by a wasp before and I was concerned he might die before I had a chance to win fairly !!

A medic was called for and as she failed to answer the phone indoors he ran in to get some magical cream.

Play resumed.

A game of tennis like you'll see no where else. I ran out a 6-1 6-0 winner but as they say in sport, the scoreline didn't effect the passage of play . . it should have been 6-0 6-0

A third set was started but rain began and we were worried about getting our balls wet . . play was suspended for the final time and tea was taken.

I just don't move like I use too *creak* . . *groan* . . *ache*

The weekend just passed saw me pole dance round the room.

On my CV I can now add, putting up curtain poles and putting up curtains.

Something I have never done before and only a chance comment stopped me from making a monumental mistake.

What do you mean there are threads at the end of each curtain. Pull them together ? What are you on about ??

Eventually and thankfully I understood !!

Carpet has been ordered. Other things have been found, some by luck, some surely by fate. The only thing I have not tracked down yet . . is a table.

Each day it gets closer.

The tenderness and soreness of my throwing arm and my slightly red nose are all that remain of the day at the beach with Sminchin, her family, Subz, AJ and Austin Lance. Oh that and some sand which is still in my bag !

The British weather had served up a feast this week and we weren't to be disappointed.

Greeted with the possibility of showers, it slowly cleared away and became beautifully warm. The threat of rain seemed to pass either side of us enabling us to have lunch, a good natter and of course the much awaited World Stone Skimming Championship 2008.

All I will say is I lost . . again. It is best classed as a triumph of finesse over brute force. I could have many excuses, the stones were the wrong shape, the wind was going the wrong way, the waves weren't the right shape, the water had to high a salt content but it would have made little difference !

The fact that I could throw the stones a long long way did little to make me feel any better !! However I did accept defeat much more graciously this year than last . . then again . .

Then the wind changed . . those that live down these parts knew what that meant . . it was going to rain. *taps nose*

15 minutes later we were retired to the holiday cottage. 20 minutes later the storm arrived with rain and lots of it.

Tea was a drive to the next town for chips followed by a walk along the beach. Which also meant diving for cover along the pier when the storm returned.

It was then that the two newest recruits to Baywatch, Sminchin's hubby and myself sacrificed our bodies in the name of stopping everyone getting soak.

I didn't think but perhaps I could have won the Mr Wet T Shirt competition ?!?

A drive back and soon it was time to say farewell.

. . and that as they say was pretty much that.

Had a fabulous day with all and felt honoured to be able to gate crash their holiday. Thank you !

. . and although I said yet again I'm never taking part in another stone competition . . I'm already back in training !!

Today I stopped my friend getting run over.

I have always been wary of laying hands on someone and it's only in recent years that I've changed to feel more confident in doing so.

That said, I'm still wary.

My hand firmly and gently grabbed her nearest wrist just as she was about to cross the road, the car was only 20 metres away. She was oblivious to it. It must have been the Lynx effect

I think she was surprised by the fact that I'd done so and by the firmness but gentleness of my action but mightily relieved that she'd not made the extra step. I had grabbed her by instinct but still not the way you grab a small child. This was different.

This afternoon a colleague from another team, one who I hardly know opened up to me about her boyfriends, her life, her ambitions and the fact she doesn't know where to get to what she wants. I was somewhat taken aback by her openness. Then again I think she knows I listen.

In a strange moment I told her a lot about me, why, how and where I see my future.

She listened.

I could see that I made her sad and yet that I also made her smile and laugh and gave her something to take away, a bit of hope that things can work out but you got to take the chance.

I don't give much away but somehow today I could.

I hope I helped.